Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life


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"If you're laying out ten bucks to see Angelina's "Jolies"'ll be sadly disappointed." 




Tomb Raider:

The Cradle of Life
The Masked Reviewer

Fans of the British television show "Red Dwarf" will be happy to know that Chris Barrie (aka Rimmer) will be reprising his role as Lara Croft's butler, Hillary. 

There have been several attempts by Hollywood to cash-in on the successful franchises of the videogame world.  After all, the videogame industry has recently started to make more money than the movie industry, and has come up with some very interesting characters.  Sure, Mario Brothers wasn't as big of a hit as everyone (on crack) expected it would be.  Neither was Raoul Julia's final film, Street Fighter -- his pairing with Jean Claude Van Damme and one of the most successful fighting games was a lock for summer blockbuster, but someone found a way to pick that lock.  Wing Commander, based on the game based on Star Wars, didn't turn out to be as much fun as playing the game. 

Mortal Kombat was fairly successful, and it spawned a sequel as well as a television show.  Resident Evil  was somewhat like the game, but featured Milla Jovovich, and that's a good thing.   Other games have yet to be tapped for movie greatness, such as Tetris: the Movie,  Pac-Man, and Windows Solitaire: A Complete Waste of Time. 

And then there's Lara Croft, the bodacious heroine of the "Tomb Raider" games by Core Design and distributed by Eidos Interactive.  One might think that the Masked Reviewer is trying to plug the game in exchange for free stuff, but sadly, it's not the case.  Instead, the Masked Reviewer is trying to fill space, because there's not much to be said about the second Tomb Raider movie.

The Masked Reviewer saw the first Tomb Raider.  It was one of the most forgettable films the Masked Reviewer has seen.  There was something to do with giant statues and a scene with Lara Croft in her mansion bouncing around on bungee cords.  That's all the Masked Reviewer remembers.  Apparently Jon Voight (Angelina Jolie's real life father) played Angelina Jolie's father, but it has all been forgotten.

The Masked Reviewer has played a few of the Tomb Raider games, and they were fun to play.  Both films, however, were less interesting than the games.

The main draw of the film was the secret hope that at some point, Lara Croft would have to take a shower, or maybe try on the "bra of enlightenment", or be stripped down for a whipping by an evil bad guy.  Sadly, it never happened in either film.  Some may think that this piece of information violates the Masked Reviewer's strict edict to never give away important points about the film, but, if you're laying out ten bucks to see Angelina's "Jolies"'ll be sadly disappointed. 

Her nipples are rather prominent in the first few scenes, but even they get bored and go away after about twenty minutes into the film. 

Anglina Jolie isn't bad in the movie.  She's attractive and handles the action scenes aptly.  But nothing in the film is able to stir any genuine interest.  The evil plot she's trying to stop, the horrible bad guy, the love interest...everything is very strangely bland and not exciting. 

It is very similar to the first Tomb Raider in terms of forgetability.  For example, the bad-boy love interest that is introduced has a history with Lara Croft.  The Masked Reviewer wasn't sure if he was a character in the first movie or from the video games.  Other characters were brought back from the first movie, but they were forgotten once and will be forgotten again.

It's strange, because it seems like the film should be much more interesting than it is, even without any nudity.  Archaeology, as we all know from Indiana Jones, is the most exciting job in the world.  There were beautiful locations, actions scenes galore, and physically attractive lead characters.  But, nothing new.  It felt like a B-movie, but the Masked Reviewer can tell you a lot more about many B movies than he can about either Tomb Raider.  It's almost as if there were subliminal messages at the end credits commanding the audience to forget what happened in the film. 

There were some fight scenes.  Seen it all before.  There were computer generated creatures, that looked like every other computer generated creatures.  Sadly, the most interesting thing about the film were the end credits, which featured a bit of color.  Even those weren't particularly memorable. 

If you loved Tomb Raider, you may feel the same way about Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.  Be warned, however, that the cradle referred to in the title is the same cradle that will likely lull you to sleep during the film.  Sure, it's an action film with a strong female character.  That's nice to see.  But if something interesting had happened, maybe it'd be memorable.

If you're just looking for a fun action movie that's sexy, keep looking. 

Hopefully, at least, this will spawn a series of porno films called Womb Raider.


Expectation from the Title: Something much more interesting than this. 

Mother's Rule (Always Say Something Good About Everything):  Angelina Jolie presents a positive (albeit boring) role-model for young girls.  At least, the Lara Croft character is a positive role-model...Angelina was a bit too much into freaky sex with Billy Bob Thornton.

The Pros: Some nice cinematography, and Angelina Jolie looks good, even fully clothed.

The Cons: Forgettable.  Nothing memorable.  Dull. 


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