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f your enjoyment of movies has been taken hostage this summer by a terrorist group of crappy movies, S.W.A.T. will kick down the door and set you free.





The Masked Reviewer

For those of you who don't know, S.W.A.T. is an acronym.  For those of you who don't know what an acronym is, it's a word formed from the initial letters of a name -- in this case, Special Weapons And Tactics.  That concludes the educational portion of today's review.

For those of you who don't know, S.W.A.T., the movie, is based on "S.W.A.T.", the TV show, which ran from 1975-1976. 

For those of you who don't know, the movie version of S.W.A.T.  stars Colin Farrell, Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, Michelle Rodriguez, and Oliver Martinez.

For those of you who don't know, S.W.A.T. kicks butt.  (Please note that the Masked Reviewer chose to use the term "butt" rather than "ass" because of a grossly inappropriate comment that will appear later in the review.  Too much filth might offend the more delicate readers, but just the right amount of filth is sure to titillate.)  If your enjoyment of movies has been taken hostage this summer by a terrorist group of crappy movies, S.W.A.T. will kick down the door and set you free.

The film stars Samuel L. Jackson as Hondo.  Right there, you know the bad guys are in trouble.  How can some poor bank robber or international terrorist hope to compete with Samuel L. Jackson's cool factor?  They don't have a chance.  Samuel L. Jackson could star in a film about a geek who becomes a science consultant for a Star Trek movie after winning a math club competition, and he'd still be cooler than Fonzie.  "Motherfucker, you know the derivative of that equation can't be parsed by any god damned linear vector!  I ought to hang you up by your Spock ears and beat you with my coil injector!"

Colin Farrell (no relation to "Saturday Night Live"'s Will Ferrell) plays another member of the S.W.A.T. team.  He's another guy who's usually good in any movie he's in, and S.W.A.T. is no exception.  What has Colin Farrell ever been bad in?  Hmm?  Other than the fact that he doesn't speak with an American accent in real life, he's always good.  It seems kind of sneaky, trying to pretend he's an American.  But, hey, who can fault him for that?  It seems like Will Ferrell should fake an Irish accent...maybe he'd be liked more, especially after A Night at the Roxbury

LL Cool J turns in a fine performance.  He's not used much in the film, but for fans of rock-hard abs, LL will be sure to please.  You could grate cheese on them.  But if you do, the Masked Reviewer isn't coming over for spaghetti. 

Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, hardcore chick.  This is a stretch for Rodriguez, who played the rough and tumble hardcore chick in Girlfight, then spread her wings as the hardcore tough chick in The Fast and The Furious, eventually moving on to the ground-breaking role of bad-ass military butt-kicker in Resident Evil.  Even in Blue Crush, she was the surfer girl you didn't want to mess with.  But, she's not all tough and rough and snips and snails.  She's got a great sexiness about her...of course, as soon as you start to think about that, you can't help but think that if you forgot to put the seat down, she might rip your arm off and make you swallow it.  If you're lucky, it'd just be your arm. 

Finally, there is Oliver Martinez.  He's French, and he plays a French man.  He's the bad guy (not including the mean old police captain).  Could this film be any more relevant to today's issues?  A French bad guy?  It's about time!   Although, Martinez seemed to be a little bit butch for a French man.  The Masked Reviewer believes it would've been more convincing and true to life if the French bad guy had surrendered...before the S.W.A.T. team arrived.  In keeping with French tradition.   

Because there are so many good looking actors, they conveniently arranged for the S.W.A.T. team to forget their helmets for most of the picture.  These actors pay big money for their finely coiffed heads (except for LL and Samuel L), so why not let them get their money's worth?  And they do.

The film has a nice pace and is suspenseful and exciting.  It's rather predictable in many regards, but it sustains the viewer's interest throughout.  S.W.A.T. isn't plagued by the completely unbelievable over-the-topedness that many of the summer films are plagued by.  It seems "real" by comparison. 

The direction is good, aside from some key fight scenes that take place in the dark and make it hard to follow what's going on.  Other than that, the acting, characters, dialogue, and plot are all fun and easy to understand. 

There are even a couple of nods to the original series, but the Masked Reviewer doubts if that will be a major draw to most moviegoers. 

If you like straight-up action films, you'll enjoy S.W.A.T.  It's not a huge summer blockbuster in terms of explosions and special effects, but it is a blockbuster in terms of fun. 

Note to the easily offended: you might want to skip this paragraph.  Be on the lookout for the porn version of the film, undoubtedly to be titled T.W.A.T.  "Even the police call 900 numbers." 


Expectation from the Title: A fly.  A rolled up newspaper.  An angry man that can't read his newspaper because of the constant buzzing of a fly.  One moment that will change both their lives...forever.

Mother's Rule (Always Say Something Good About Everything):  This is the group of people you would like to have kick down your door and handcuff you.

The Pros: Fun, exciting, anti-French, relatively plausible, cool actors.

The Cons: A bit predictable, a few loose ends weren't tied up.


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