The movie is finally here.
For those of you who didn't know, this is not a sequel to the
Andre Lloyd-Webber musical "Jesus Christ: Superstar". It's
basically a chronicle of Jesus'ss's last 12 hours before...well, the
Masked Reviewer wouldn't want to give away the ending!
Before you read any further, you should know that
there are jokes made about the movie in this review. If you are
offended by jokes about Jesus, you may want to skip the review and just
go see the film. If you don't have a sense of humor about your
lord and savior, you'll just be agitated by reading this. It'll be
like seeing Janet Jackson's nipple for some people -- the Masked
Reviewer wants to save you the trouble. If you keep reading,
remember, you've been warned.
Not many people know this, but the Passion of the Christ
is...quilting. He was very passionate about it. He collected
quilts and was very handy with a needle and thread. Anytime he'd
go somewhere, he'd create a new panel for a quilt to commemorate it.
His friends would keep saying "Jesus! How many quilts do you
need" and he'd be like "Yo, I don't do it because I need them, I do
it because I love the process." His friends (mostly Paul) would
tease Jesus a lot about his passion for quilting, but on cold nights you
know they were all glad to have those qulits around.
The story line for The Passion of the Christ is nearly
identical to that of Ernest Goes to Jail. If you've seen
that already, it'd just be more of the same.
The original title of the film, The Passion of the Jesus H. Christ
was shortened to better fit on marquees, much to the consternation of
the film's creator, Mel the Gibson.
The Masked Reviewer should probably point out that he hasn't actually
seen the movie, so this isn't so much a review as it is just wild
The highlight of the film is undoubtedly when Jesus H. Christ has
been tacked up on the cross, and one of his friends (it was probably
Paul, but it might have been John...there's an outside chance it was
Ringo) climbs up to see how Jesus is doing. Jesus says "Hey, I can
see my house from here," and indeed, you can.
The controversy over whether the film will spark new waves of anti-semitism
can be traced back to one scene. In it, Jesus has just died on the
cross and one of his disciples (maybe Luke) is running through the
streets screaming "Jesus is dead! Jesus is dead!" and a
local Jewish sandal maker turns to his friend and says "I didn't even
know he was sick!" But the Jewish sandal maker wasn't making a
joke. He didn't know. There's no reason to hate the Jews for
The Masked Reviewer isn't too familiar with biblical stuff, but
basically The Passion of the Christ is a zombie movie.
Jesus Christ gets beaten up and killed by the Romans and then he rises
from the dead and starts walking the earth, eating people's brains.
The sequel will be even scarrier.
Some people might find the product placement in the film to be of
questionable taste, such as the "Intel Inside" logo on Jesus'ss's cross,
or the Nike swoosh on his sandals.
The surprise cameos by Mel the Gibson and Danny the Glover taking on
the Roman army in an effort to free Jesus are worth the price of
It's worth seeing just to find out what we're all wondering: what does
Jesus wear under that robe? The answer may surprise you.
Mel the Gibson is a courageous and daring filmmaker; you can't help
but admire a guy who would take such a big risk as releasing a movie
about Jesus Christ in America. His next project, Americans Are
Good is expected to continue to push the envelope. He's
already begun work on the controversial film The Funniest Man Ever:
Jerry Lewis, for release exclusively in France.
If you do see this film, don't whistle "Always Look on the Bright
Side of Life" because the audience won't think it's funny.
Expectation from the Title: It sounds like heretic porn, but
Mother's Rule (Always Say Something Good About Everything):
Jesus looks good with long hair.
The Pros: Hard to say without having seen it yet (damn
Wednesday releases!), but one might guess that people who love Jesus
will find something to like.
The Cons: Probably not much humor in the film. They cut
the scene where Jesus carries his cross for many miles to the top of a
mountain, and right before he puts it down, the Roman guard says "Oh
wait, that isn't your cross!" and they make him go back
and get another (bigger) one.