Lord of the Rings: Return of the King


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"...hobbits are probably gay."


"To say that Lord of the Rings: Return of the King is anything less than the greatest feature film of all time would get the same reaction as saying that Saddam Hussein looks good in khaki pants. They're both simple subjective statements that will get you lynched as a traitor and blasphemer."

Lord of the Rings:

Return of the King
The Masked Reviewer

The three-and-a-half hour epic conclusion to the epic beginning and epic middle of the epic epic Lord of the Rings is finally here.  How could the majesty of this event possibly be summed up in words?

Like this: "Evil ring corrupts, friends fight impossible odds, and hobbits are probably gay."

Yeah, that's right.  The Masked Reviewer said it.  Hobbits are probably gay.  It's especially clear in this, the epic third epic part of the epic epic epic.  Sam (Sean Astin) and Frodo (Elijah Wood) spend a lot of time crying and talking about their feelings.  They hold each other.  They cuddle together for warmth.  They support each other.  C'mon!  It's obvious!  The other hobbits, too...they're all sensitive and helping people.  One even befriends a woman: they don't sleep together or kiss, it's just a platonic female and hobbit relationship.  What kind of guys have platonic relationships?  Gay guys. 

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.  The movie could've been made a bit more interesting with a few hardcore gay porn hobbit-on-hobbit scenes.  But, the homo-eroto-hobbitic themes are only noteworthy because as a result, there are many times when Ian McKellan is the butchest guy on screen. 

The Masked Reviewer thinks it's a good thing, actually.  How many epic adventures feature gay characters?  Not gay actors, because as we all know everyone in Hollywood is homosexual, but lead gay characters?  Huzzah to Peter Jackson!

Okay, okay, get off the Masked Reviewer's back.  It's a joke.  Lighten up.  Gay people are great.  Gay hobbits are great.  It doesn't matter what someone's sexual orientation is, it has nothing to do with anything (well, it has something to do with some things, but nothing in Lord of the Rings).  Just because two men cry and hug (and stare into each other's eyes longingly, their faces centimeters away from passionate lip-lock) doesn't mean they're gay.  There are straight men who are sensitive, too.  Just look at Dr. Phil. 

Anyway, there's no need to send in thousands of letters of protest to the Masked Reviewer.  It's a joke.

But is the film worth seeing?  The answer depends entirely on the following: if you liked the first two films in the trilogy, you'll like the third.  If you liked the first and didn't hate but didn't love the second, you'll probably like the third.  If you disliked the first and loved the second, the third will probably appeal to you.  If you didn't care about the first or the second one, you'll probably not care about the third.  If you hated the first two, number three won't be something you'll want to sit through.  And, if you haven't seen either of the first two, you might want to wait and see them all on video (plus, you'll get all that extra footage!).

The special effects are amazing.  The fight scenes (which you might call epic) are breathtaking, with thousands of characters battling it out.  The computer generated creatures, unfortunately, still look like computer generated creatures: even though they're the best to date, the creatures aren't 100% lifelike.  On the other hand, the virtual sets created for the film (villages, massive fortresses built into mountains) are perfect.  They look absolutely real, and the Masked Reviewer couldn't tell how they created the effects.  They set a mood and are the best you've ever seen.

If you aren't a fan of fantasy or can't imagine sitting in the theater for over three hours, here's the Masked Reviewer's ultra-breakdown of the film:

Ring makes you evil.  Run away!  Fight a battle with impossible odds.  Win!  Be sad about your friends.  Repeat.

To say that Lord of the Rings: Return of the King is anything less than the greatest feature film of all time would get the same reaction as saying that Saddam Hussein looks good in khaki pants.  They're both simple subjective statements that will get you lynched as a traitor and blasphemer.  If you're a fan, you'll like it.  If you're not, you won't.  The trilogy is really one looooong movie, and you either get it or you don't. 


Expectation from the Title: When his precious finger-jewelry collection is stolen from Graceland by an evil territorial magnate, Elvis must rise from the dead to set things straight.

Mother's Rule (Always Say Something Good About Everything):  Sam and Frodo make a cute couple.

The Pros: Amazing virtual sets, great visual effects, huge and epic battles.  Very epicky.

The Cons: Long.  Characters don't develop. 

If you love Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers:

If you didn't love Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers:

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