The Masked Reviewer wasn't able to get Jack Nicholson down to the
Secret Lair for an interview, so it was conducted via telephone.
The interview did get a little...tense...at times (the Masked Reviewer
accepts full responsibility for that). Viewers should be cautioned
that this interview includes strong language at times which may be
offensive to some. If you're one of the ones who is offended by
strong language, or if someone you know forbids you to listen to things
that contain strong language, you shouldn't listen to this. Just
turn down the volume.
Click here for the High Quality Masked
Reviewer-Jack Nicholson Interview
Click here for the Low Quality Masked
Reviewer-Jack Nicholson Interview
Below is the transcript...
Jack Nicholson: Hello?
Masked Reviewer: Hi Jack Nicholson! This is the Masked
JN: How ya doin?
MR: I can’t complain. So, I hope I haven’t caught you at a bad time but
I have a few questions for you…
JN:Why aren’t you at work?
MR: I am at work, actually, this is for the Masked Reviewer website.
JN: Well I work all the time.
MR: I’m sure you do. And fine work it is. Your Academy Award winning
JN: Do you realize I work at home?
MR: Uh…no. No, I thought you mostly worked on film sets, since you’re an
JN: Let me explain something to you…whenever you come in here and
interrupt me you’re breaking my concentration you’re distracting me,
then it will take TIME to get back to where I was, understand?
MR: I’m sorry… I didn’t think you’d mind.
JN: Do you like to be interrupted?
JN: So never…NEVER interrupt me.
MR: Okay. No interruptions.
JN: Are we clear?
JN: ARE WE CLEAR?
MR: Yes, geez, we’re clear! Sheesh. Grou-chy!
JN: I’m not being grouchy I just want to finish my work.
MR: I’ll just ask you a few questions and then you can get right back to
work, without any more interruptions. Now let’s see…I lost my train of
JN: ARE YOU GOING TO TALK TO ME OR NOT?!
MR: All right! Get off my back!
JN: For Christ’s sake.
MR: Hey, I’ve got a great idea! How about giving us a line from one of
your classic movies?
People love that.
JN: Wait. Wait, I’ve got a better idea.
MR: What’s that?
MR: Aw, come on. Heeeeeere’s Johnny! How about that?
JN: What the fuck is going on?
MR: I'll tell you what's going on. Oh wait, you don't want to hear the
TRUTH, do you?
JN: Yes I do.
MR: No, you don’t want the truth. You want to live in your own little
JN: I said I want the truth!
MR: I don’t think you do.
JN: I SAID I WANT THE TRUTH!
MR: The truth? The truth? You're a big dumb stupid head, and that's the
truth. Handle it.
JN: Look you...I’m very intelligent.
MR: Oh yeah, you’re a regular rocket scientist. That super intelligence
must’ve been what helped you decide to take the role in Wolf.
Remember WOLF, Jack?
JN: You snotty little bastard.
MR: Watching that film was like being stuck in a trap. I just wanted to
gnaw my leg off. Ha!
JN: Extend me some FUCKING courtesy
MR: My mame mis mack mickelsmem.
JN: Take caution in your tone.
MR: Oooooh…did you just threaten me? You just threatened me!
JN: YOURE GOD DAMNED RIGHT I DID!
MR: Well..I...no need for that. I was just...
JN: Do you get me, sweetheart?
MR: Yes…I get you. Crazy!
JN: Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.
MR: Yeah, it sounds like you’re overstocked, actually. So, Jack….
JN: I’d appreciate if you’d address me as sir I believe I earned it.
MR: Riiiight…sir. I’m sorry. Anyway…I'd like to ask you another
JN: You have to ask me nicely.
MR: Fine. Pretty please with sugar on top....tell me: What is your
fondest acting memory?.
JN: This is ridiculous.
MR:What? That’s a fine question.
JN: Please tell me that you have something more.
MR: Okay, then, I'll pull out the big guns. Here we go. The Masked
Reviewer has learned that in 1968 you co-wrote the film Head,
which was a vehicle for the made-for-TV musical group, the Monkees. How
do you feel that Head influenced the political juxtapositioning
of commercial solipsism with teen angst in that time?
JN: Are you waiting for me to say something?
MR: Yes. That’s the usual way it works. Interviewer asks a question,
interviewee answers it.
JN: Maybe we can live without the wisecracks.
MR: I’m just trying to ask questions that matter.
JN: Now are those really the questions I was called to answer?
MR: Yes. Yes they are. Those are the questions. Maybe you’d like to
answer at least one question? Or are my questions below your high
MR: 'm well respected , you know. Some people have written that I could
be a genius!
JN: Yes I certainly read that somewhere once.
MR: Are you mocking me?
JN: What do you want to discuss now, my favorite color?
MR:I bet it's green, right? You seem like an earth tone kind of guy. Am
JN:I mean if you can’t be at least mildly interesting then SHUT THE HELL
MR: All right LOOK, I’ve had just about enough of you…you can either get
off the line or answer my question!
JN: I’ll answer the question.
MR:Okay. That’s better. … What was it like working on the set of Batman?
JN: I don’t know.
MR: I thought maybe you’d give me a more thoughtful answer than “I don’t
know”. It’s just sad.
JN: It’s tragic.
MR: You should work on your people skills.
JN: I’m sure you’re right.
MR: Maybe it’s time for me to wrap up this interview.
JN: I’m sure that’s the thing to do.
MR: I hope my readers won't hold this fiasco against me...
JN: Ungrateful little BITCHES, aren’t they?
MR: Right. I see that you and the Masked Reviewer are having a few
JN: I wanna know what we’re going to do about this.
MR: I’ll tell you. I apologize. I said some things that I shouldn't
have. I misdirected my problems towards you. You’ve been nothing but
nice to me, taking time out of your busy schedule to answer my little
silly interview questions. You’re a good man, and I feel horrible for
the way I treated you. I hope you can forgive me.
Sir? Are you there?
JN: Don’t I feel like the fucking asshole.
MR: Don’t be hard on yourself. No one is blaming you.
JN: You make me want to be a better man.
MR: Wow, thanks Jack. That’s very touching. I think you and I are going
to be just fine.
JN: Okay pal, let’s have us a big smile.
[the Masked Reviewer puts on a "smiley mask"]
[Jack Nicholson laughs]
MR: I’m glad we worked things out. I appreciate your time.
JN: No problem.
MR: I was going to just say thank you for graciously appearing on my
show, but instead I’ve prepared a short poem [the Masked Reviewer takes
out a piece of paper]...
JN: I would rather you just said thank you!
MR: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
JN: Thank you.
MR: Bye-bye, Jack!
JN: Sweet dreams, son.
MR: That was Jack Nicholson via phone in california. I am the Masked
Reviewer. Good night.