Cat in the Hat


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"Remember the film that they did of The Grinch?

Remember how it sucked at one thousand pounds per square inch?"





The Cat in the Hat
The Masked Reviewer

This film is based on a widely known book,

Is the film good?  Should you give it a look!?

We all know the author, a Gen-X Mother Goose. 

He's the poet laureate of the pre-potty trained, Dr. Seuss! 

We know not where he got his degree,

But it is somewhat unlikely he was ever an M.D. 

The Cat in the Hat is a great children's story

That still brings us joy, like chicken cacciatore. 


The movie does feature a furry Mike Meyers. 

The film is like drag racing -- on four flat tires. 

He seems to enjoy it, but it might make you squawk. 

He sounds like he's trying to do "Coffee Talk". 

Was the Cat in the Hat from the Bronx or from Queens?

 Did he often make jokes that were clearly obscene? 

There is nothing wrong with a good dirty joke,

But in a kid's movie, it might just provoke. 

"Son of a buh...", and "you dirty ho"

Spelling out "S-H-I-T"?  Oh, no-no. 


The shtick Meyers does is part Muttly, part Lahr;

He snickers and wheezes but doesn't go far. 

There are lots of sound effects and cartoon noises,

Like 'boing' 'bang' 'zoom' 'woosh' 'clunk' 'screetch' and 'kerploppity bloizes.'

 The film is uneven and not fun to watch,

 It's rather like having hot coffee spilled onto your crotch. 

It does not stick to the story too closely,

The Cat character is perverted (and  grossly). 

A lot of the jokes just simply fall flat;

It's not very funny, like a foam finger hat. 


The sets are okay, though they're just kind of tired. 

The whole stinkin' movie is just not inspired. 

The make-up and costume for the titular Cat

Is not what you'd hope for, except for the hat. 

The acting is hammy and quickly wears thin,

For example, the neighbor, he's Alec Baldwin. 

Remember the film that they did of The Grinch

Remember how it sucked at one thousand pounds per square inch?


They quote a few lines from the book but not much,

They don't even try to rhyme for the most part. 

Snapping a Z and unleashing a burp. 

Those are some of the big jokes in this floomberzilly flurp. 

It does have some good parts like Dakota Fanning,

Sean Hayes is good too, they are both quite enchanting. 

Alec Baldwin's not bad, no really, it's true. 

Dan Castellenata does the voice for Thing Two! 

In short, to re-cap and re-view and re-state it,

It's hard to imagine how you could not hate it. 


You will not like it in a house, you will not like it with a mouse.  You will not like it with Mike Meyers, you will not like it with the Mormon Tabernacle choirs.  You will not like The Cat in the Hat, you will not like it and, well...that's that. 

You'd rather pierce your tongue with a skewer

Than see this film, thus quoth the Masked Reviewer.


Expectation from the Title: The long awaited sequel to Puss in Boots, where he finally expands his wardrobe.

Mother's Rule (Always Say Something Good About Everything):  The fish is cute.

The Pros: Meyes does have his charms, and you can sit all the way through the film.  The graphics for the fish are pretty good. 

The Cons: Not funny or engaging or endearing; seems like a Hollywood corruption of a nice, simple story.


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