What could be better than killing
vampires? Why, vampires killing vampires, of course! Wesley
Snipes returns as Blade, the titular self-loathing, blood-drinking,
Okay, so he doesn't drink blood (he uses
artificial substitutes, sort of like Splenda). He's also not
limited to stalking only at night (other vampires burst into flames if
they get too much sun). But, Blade sure does hate vampires.
He hates them to pieces. He has issues.
If you've seen the first two Blade movies, you'll know what
issues he has. Blade: Trinity doesn't waste time re-capping
his origins, though, so if you want to know how he came to be, you'll
have to check out the first two movies. Hey, if all he did was
tell people how he became a vampire hunter, he wouldn't have any time
left to hunt vampires, now would he?
Blade is joined by Whistler, played by Kris Kristofferson.
Strangely, he never actually whistles. Even more strangely, the
Masked Reviewer's great-grandfather was called Masked Maskedofferson,
before they changed it at Ellis Island (which was originally called Isle
Also helping Blade in his quest to rid the world of vampires is a
team of humans called the Nighstalkers. They are led by Abigail
(Jessica Biel) and Ryan Reynolds.
Jessica Biel (not to be confused with Jennifer Beals (of
Flashdance fame) or Jessica Alba (of Honey fame) or Amanda
Bearse (of Married with Children fame) or Irene Cara (of Fame
fame)) plays a butt-kicking tough gal. Her prior theatrical
experience (on the WB's "Seventh Heaven") wasn't very helpful. Her
talent doesn't exactly burn up the screen...in fact, it'd be hard to pop
a kernel of corn with it. She's not bad, but just rather...bland.
If this was Bland: Trinity, she'd be perfect. But it isn't,
and she's not.
Part of the problem is bad writing (which the Masked Reviewer will
get to in a moment). Another part of the problem is that she seems
to be there for sex appeal, but doesn't come off as particularly sexy.
The third part of the triumvirate of problems is that she's not good at
her action sequences. To the credit of the fight choreographer and
the director, they were able to effectively shoot around her, but if you
look closely at her movements, she's very awkward and stilted in her
Ryan Reynolds (who you probably don't remember from Van Wilder,
since no one saw it, but you might remember as the son from the new
In-Laws or one of the guys in "Two Guys and a Pizza Shop", but make
sure you don't confuse him with Jason Lee, who appears in Kevin Smith
movies such as Mallrats) plays another butt-kicker. Unlike
Jessica Biel (or Jennifer Beals, for that matter), he is well suited for
the part. He's good at the martial arts sequences, and he's cut.
He spent some time in the gym. He's no Masked Reviewer, mind you,
but he looked impressive, even though he wasn't the main hero of the
Ryan Reynolds also provided almost all of the comic relief. It
was in the form of the fast-talking smart ass; his performance was much
better than the lines he was delivering, which were pretty much the same
note over and over again.
Other members of the supporting cast include A Mighty Wind
alumni Parker Posey and John Michael Higgins, as well as Patton
Oswalt, Natasha Lyonne, Triple H, and Eric Bogosian. Weird.
The odd thing is that the star of the film (Wesley Snipes) seems to
have one of the least interesting roles. After three movies in
this series, the viewer might expect that the character would grow or
change or in some way become at least marginally interesting.
Unfortunately, Blade is little more than a plot device. Sure, he
handles most of the butt-whooping. But he has very few lines, and
he has only one emotion. As a result, he fades almost entirely
into the background. At least Wesley Snipes is good at the
action...his fight scenes are the action highlight of the film.
Blade Trinity was written and directed by David Goyer, who
wrote the other two Blades as well. He's also written a
movie based on the Nick Fury character, the upcoming Batman
movie, and he is an executive producer on Ghost Rider also, so
you know he knows his comic books (that is, assuming you know that Ghost
Rider and Nick Fury are from the comics). The feel of the film is
identical to the first two in the trilogy. The writing isn't quite
as clever or interesting -- David Goyer has gone to the most obvious
choice for a movie about vampires, and he did it in the least
interesting way. The main bad guy starts out as super powerful,
but whenever he runs into Blade, they seem to be evenly matched.
The main bad guy runs away, too. That's hardly befitting of a main
bad guy. The humor isn't very deep, it's basically bad language
and sight gags, and there are lots of strings in the story that aren't
tied up. It feels like a script that was banged out in a weekend.
In fact, the movie feels like it takes longer to watch than it did to
be written. It would've been much better at about 90 minutes, but
at around two hours, it isn't able to keep a brisk pace.
The effects are good, although they seem exactly the same as the last
Blade. Vampires burning up when killed. If you can't
get enough of that, then Trinity will bring you closer to
crossing the line of having enough of that.
Expectation from the Title: When the Home Shopping Network did
a late night special on a three-piece cutlery set featuring the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost, one young boy discovered the true meaning
of Christmas (and nearly cut his finger off in the process).
Mother's Rule (Always Say Something Good About Everything):
It's nice to see a group of young people pulling together to stand up
against mean old vampires.
The Pros: Decent fight scenes, a few funny lines by Ryan
Reynolds, a few cool vampire-slaying gadgets.
The Cons: Too long, too repetitive. Blade wasn't
interesting at all, the story was all hack and no slash, not enough
interesting happening. Barely marginal.